Your revision statement is a 1-2 page double-spaced statement that relates to me

Your revision statement is a 1-2 page double-spaced statement that relates to me how you incorporated the feedback received from your peers and me into your final essay. You can do this in a bulleted list. You can do this as an audio recording (if so aim for 3 minutes or so). How did you incorporate peer feedback and my feedback into your revisions, and how helpful was the feedback you received? What did you learn from working on this project? The goal of the statement is for me to see how you are incorporating feedback into your revision.
My teachers feedback- Submission Feedback
Overall Feedback
Charlie–your passion comes through here. There are a few things to keep in mind as you work on your revision.
1) You make some leaps in logic in your support for your argument. For example, using the first amendment/freedom of speech to connect with vaccines is not clear logic. A vaccine mandate does not break constitutionality. Similarly, the logical leap to dictatorship risks is a big one just based on the mandate. I would caution such huge leaps without a clear path of research showing a better connection.
2) I don’t have an issue with the stance you are arguing, but I would encourage you to find other arguments to support your position in order to make a better case for your audience. There are plenty of avenues you might take with support.
3) Good argumentation takes into account the opposing sides position. You give a brief nod to that in terms of “vaccination is not a bad thing.” But you don’t fully develop it. In what ways are you supporting vaccinations? Try to be more specific. Also, what are some of the other arguments in favor of a mandate that you want to either acknowledge or show their faultiness?
4) Once you have fine-tuned some of your content, then you will want to work on recording this for your final project. Keep in mind the pacing you want to have, pausing where you want audience members to take this in more and emphasizing places that need that extra emphasis.
Please let me know if you need any clarification or more feedback.
I also noticed you posted your artist statement. They are not due until Sunday, December 5th, with the rest of the project, so you might want to revise and resubmit it then once you’ve reworked this. I don’t give feedback on the drafts of the artist statement. I did glance at it, and please make sure you carefully review rhetorical appeals. You use the term pathological, which has very negative connotations and is not the same as appeals using pathos, which is probably what you meant.

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